FINANCE CHAIRS
National Finance Chairperson: We’re pretty good with money, but our presidential candidate has a bit of a coffee spending problem. We’re looking for someone to manage our finances and monitor her spending. The applicant must have had a piggy bank as a child; this will best align with our finance approach. We will also request that they are willing to work closely with Mr. Tim Ehrmann, the person most well versed in finance in the whole wide world.
Grassroots Finance Chairperson: We desire a woman of the people for this position. They must really be willing to get their hands dirty in politics; recruit people to join the campaign by ANY. MEANS. NECESSARY. Skills in seduction and coercion are helpful but not required.
COMMUNICATION STAFF
Communications Chairperson: The heads of this campaign have an unfortunate tendency to be cold hearted; the Communications Chairperson would be integral in touching America’s heart with emotion. This person should be smooth and quick-witted. They must be able to dodge any tough-to-handle questions about policies, the economy, or foreign affairs.
Social Media Coordinator: Presidential Candidate Jamie Vondra already has 659 whole followers on Instagram! This impressive number will be difficult to increase, so we are seeking a talented influencer to guide her. The position requirements include a minimum of 1 million followers and an extensive knowledge of Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, Tik Tok, Twitter, Tinder, and BeReal.
Television and News Coordinator: Jamie is looking forward to growing her television presence -- she’s always believed she is destined for the screen. To prevent fake news, she hopes to be as transparent as possible in interviews and television appearances. It should be known that while we don’t promote FAKE news, we do find it integral that our TV and news coordinator is talented in manipulating the media. Basically, we want to spin ourselves in the most positive light without lying to the people. As Harry Styles says, it’s a fine line.
Special Events Coordinator: Did you love hosting tea parties as a child? Do you connect on a personal level with Angela and Phyllis as heads of Dunder Mifflin’s party planning committee? This position may be for you. You must coordinate rallies for Presidential Candidate Vondra that will leave guests chattering for months. If we can’t draw them in with our policies, it’s your job to draw them in with free food and Justin Bieber.
CAMPAIGN CONSULTANTS
Advertising Consultant: While a hefty amount of advertisements for this campaign are handled by the SuperPACs with which we are certainly not affiliated, we require an advertising consultant to supplement those unaffiliated organizations. Applicants should have experience in film and be able to really reach into the hearts of the people.
Opposition Research Consultant: To win this election, we need to CRUSH the competition. Applicants must be willing to attack our opponents with the same fervor as a girl targeting a cheating ex-boyfriend. You must have experience in deep social media dives, investigative journalism, and gossipping.
Pollster: Data is an integral part of our campaign, as we must prove to everyone that we are winners with cold, hard facts. We seek someone with extensive experience in statistics and the stellar ability to interpret data. The person taking this position must be confident in gathering data from eligible voters, as well as able to work with media coordinators to make this campaign the most successful.
Issues and Events Consultant: Presidential Candidate Vondra will be very busy coordinating her campaign; it’s important that someone keeps her informed of national events so she knows what locations to target her efforts toward. It’s especially vital that this consultant follows issues in swing states so Jamie can lure them in with her caring nature. Applicants must be confident in their ability to organize campaign events in these states with the Special Events Coordinator.